Car Child

  There is an azoospermia blog that I read when I got my first zero sample where the writer disappears for a few months and then returns and tells of his divorce, attempted suicide, and time in a psych ward.

  This is not one of those blogs.

  A death march at work, my brother's wedding (next weekend!!), the summer, and our donor decision process have gotten in the way. I also wasn't really ready to write. As much as I like to think I am dealing with this situation so well, I am making mistakes.

  I have enjoyed the freedoms of not having children a bit too much lately. Let's just say there are some college level stories emerging of my time spent with friends. I suppose I have every right to cut loose, but it shows me that I cannot get through this process with sheer willpower.

  I'm having increasingly bad reactions to people discussing their children. I'm in a training program at work where we meet every other week, and discuss management. Each week a member of the group presents a "who am I?" overview of themselves. They discuss where they grew up, went to school, what they enjoy, family, etc. Everyone has children. Everyone speaks about the unimaginable joy their children bring them. Everyone in the room looks at each other and smiles, feeling that glow in their hearts. I see red.

  These are not reasonable reactions.

  I'm treating my car as if it was a child. I have started dressing it up, changing the badge colors, putting on license-plate frames that match the pattern of the seats. I am washing it with special products and then taking pictures of it. I am showing you pictures of my car child. It is that bad.

  We are going to see a counselor who specializes in working with families going through DI (donor insemination - We now have a cool acronym for our challenge). I am really looking forward to talking about how I am feeling.

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And yet, I am so hopeful. I realized after posting I should edit to make sure it is clear that I know we will have everything we want.