Gardening and Dancing In The Rain

  I've become quite obsessed with our patio garden. I water it to the point of over saturation on a reasonably consistent basis. It has been doing quite well. Sure, I've replaced some plants that did not take to my certain style of care, but most are alive, and thriving. It has given me a certain peace in all this to see something I've nurtured grow.

  This is a pretty standard reaction to infertility, I've come to find out. Many turn to gardening. I hate being clinically predictable. I selfishly want to be different, special, coping better than most. You know, make it about me!

  It's been a very difficult month. We're coming closer to our decision regarding our next step, and the emotional complexity of the situation has been overwhelming. We are desperate for the moment when the plans are set and we can get to work, and drive forward with purpose.

  What has made the month most difficult is that at the moments that Shannon needs me the most, when she is at her angriest, saddest, most lost, I struggle to not blame myself for her pain. I just want to say I am sorry over and over. You know, make it about me. I stop myself from doing that at least. Instead I either shut down, or try to solve the problem. Clinically predicable male behavior.

  We've been going to talk to someone about the journey, and it has been extremely helpful. I've been to therapy at one point before, and I remember how odd it is that clarity comes in a room that you are supposed to have clarity in.

  I have to accept that my reactions to all this can be predictable, and that I can't dance through the rain the whole way. I should occassionally take the umbrellas offered to me, and ask for cover when I need it. When Shannon wants to yell while standing in the rain, I'll stand next to her and hold her hand, and then open an umbrella and dry her off.