It's all about ME!! (Guest Post from Shannon)

I know that this is only the beginning. There will be many more tense days of waiting ahead.  There will be so many moments of optimism, gratitude, and excitement.  I know that all of that is part of the ride, along with the panic, second guessing and primal fear (isn't that what every parent will tell you).  I know that I have the best, strongest partner I could ever ask for and I am consciously grateful for him every single day.  But today I am totally and utterly depleted and exhausted and the starting buzzer is still echoing in the background.  The fact is, that for me especially, this is way past the beginning. 

Ever since we “decided” that we were going to get pregnant before we moved back from Australia I have been preparing, learning, and attempting to control the uncontrollable.  A year or so ago while working at Random House in Sydney a book landed on my desk about a woman who was my age and found out she had endometriosis and had trouble getting pregnant.  One of her symptoms was painful period cramps.  I HAVE PAINFUL PERIOD CRAMPS and since second only to my obsession with fountain diet coke is my obsession with self diagnosis I promptly made an appointment with my new OBGYN.

I asked her in my most “I know what I am saying is crazy but I don’t really LOOK crazy so can you just go along and pretend that I’m not a hypochondriac and order the tests” voice (not using those words exactly).  I told her that I just wanted to “rule out” any potential fertility issues.  So she ordered an ultrasound and the results came back glowing!  This paired with my 28-29 day cycles that are as regular as a bar brawl on Mob Wives put my mind at ease for the most part.  The fact that my mom got pregnant while on birth control (she deserves a gold star for that one) made me feel even MORE confident.  This is a given, I am totally fertile, but just to be EXTRA sure (and reinforce my neurosis) I started using ovulation predictor kits a few months before we would official “begin”.  The testing was a little confusing since I bought the cheapest pee sticks money could buy but I was pretty confident I was getting the positive lines when I should be. 

I just want to take a moment to let it sink in that all of this was done BEFORE we even started actively trying.  This is me – I do not claim to be ordinary, which is why when things weren't working month after month I was POSITIVE I was screwing this whole thing up.  I read all of these books about fertility and they ALL say that STRESS is the number one thing that you need to get a handle on in order to get pregnant.  CLEARLY I was too stressed out (We had just moved back from basically another planet, started new jobs, began house hunting, the list goes on) so I decided I needed to tackle my stress and embrace different mind/body relaxation techniques.  I did massage (decadent), acupuncture (love it), hypnosis (bizarre), Maya abdominal massage (jury is out), yoga (the best part is laying down at the end with your eyes closed).  I paired this with some more traditional techniques like talk therapy, going to the gym, drinking wine and venting to friends and family. I was as de-stressed as I am capable of being.

But the sticks kept coming back negative!! So all at once I totally revolted on this whole “stress" impairing fertility issue.  I mean seriously!! Jaycee Dugard got pregnant in the most horrifyingly stressful situation I can even imagine, being kidnapped, raped and held captive for 18 years. People got pregnant during the holocaust, during wars, natural disasters!! No amount of my comfy American life can even TOUCH what some people have gone through and somehow they have been able to conceive.  I just wasn't buying this stress BS anymore, this had to be medical, but again, despite all logic pointing to the contrary I was SURE it was me.    

So last Monday happened and I don’t know which one of us was more unprepared.  Prior to that phone call I had been processing the fact that I probably have some strange issue where maybe my eggs are all rotten, or I’m allergic to Sean’s sperm.  I even stopped taking allergy medications because I read that it could make my cervical mucus unfriendly to sperm.  So when we got the news that there were ZERO sperm I just didn't know how to switch gears.  Sean is the healthiest person that I know, it defies logic, but this isn't about logic, it’s about science.  And every one of our bodies is just a big miraculous jumble of parts that either do or don’t do their jobs (unbeknownst to us) until we go pinching and prodding and asking questions that we aren't really prepared for the answers to.

To keep it all in perspective I KNOW that if this is the only medical problem that we have we are beyond blessed, we have already hit the jackpot.  We are focusing on the positive and soaring with gratitude from the outpouring of love and support we have received from our family and friends.  We know all of this but we still have fears that creep in late at night or while driving into work.  We face them together, talk through them and then just keep on keeping on, usually ending our conversations with a few laughs.  I really am incredibly optimistic and I know that in the end we will have our baby, even if we have to kidnap one from some undeserving cast member from Teen Mom (Season 1 or 2).  No matter what, this is just a blip, but sometimes a blip will really knock you out for a little while.

(Note to Readers: Sean did advise me NOT TO USE CAPS but I did anyway)

Tree Photography, Celebrity Hating, and other coping techniques

 The work week has a way of snapping you into focus, away from your personal issues. I suppose that's why they pay you. This is not your time, quit your bitching and get to it.
  The weekend is your time. This has always been a good thing. This weekend, the challenge we face isn't blocked out by meetings and project plans. Our reactions to infertility stress are manifesting in interesting ways. It feels like an intro to pyschology class in this house. Shannon has developed a rather intense hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow. This exchange with Ellen Degeneres sent her over the edge last night while watching E! News:

Shannon woke up in a complete rage at 9:30am cursing Gwyneth. Diet Coke was required more quickly than normal.
I have entered into a rather intense flowering tree photography obsession. I've begun stopping randomly while driving to take pictures of blooming trees. Here was last night's addition:

 I've become totally infatuated with how spring has exploded around us. I keep catching myself marveling at the rebirth around me. I am a walking, talking, photographing cliche.
  We both admitted to our strange behaviors and so decided this morning we needed some traditional therapy, so we headed to the mall. Retail therapy is particularly effective in our family.
  Afterwards we took Brady to the park. Brady either loves something, or hates it. Brady loves playing fetch with a tennis ball. He does not love water. The first time he saw a body of water he just dove right into it and sunk like a stone. Thankfully the body of water was a pool and people were in it so they grabbed him and pulled him out before he swam to the bottom. I'd say hate is his personified emotion towards water.
  At the end of the park there is a pond that Brady will put his nose or his front paws in, but no further. While the other dogs leap in Brady looks at us to move on. This isn't for him, and he feels self conscious. Today when we reached the pond I threw the ball in just a few inches into the water. Brady reluctantly stepped in to get it. The next time I threw the ball a little further than I intended, too far for him to get without going over his head. As I hurriedly took off my shoes Brady ran to the edge of the furthest rock outcropping. Shannon called for me to stop: "Let him go, let him figure it out". Brady ran back and forth along the shore searching for a spot that he could stand and retrieve. Shannon and I stood silently as he tried several points without success. He did not turn around and signal he had given in. He calmed down and paused. Then, blindly stepping out a paw, found a rock under the surface that he couldn't see. He was now 6 inches away. He took his other paw and stepped blindly out, searching for and finding another high rock face under the surface. His head was immediately over the ball. He judged the ball in the water, and made a first strike, missing his grip and causing a splash. He took another lighter attempt, but the ball bounced back out. His third attempt was true, and he turned and ran out of the water scared but triumphant. We both clapped and congratulated him. Brady shook off the water, and we all walked on together.

It's A Small World, Full Of Support

In the short time that we've been dealing with our fertility issues two things have become clear to us:

• It is a very small world: So many people in our circle have gone through similar issues, or know people who have. There is so much power in talking to others about shared experiences, and most importantly laughing about it all. Every conversation or story of the process makes us grow stronger and makes the experience feel more normal. 
• There is support everywhere: Our hearts are filled with gratitude and awe at just how much love and support is out there. Our tears and heartache are becoming more and more related to pride, happiness, and gratitude. We know now that when we say we will get through this together, the we includes our medical team, family, and friends.

The next steps in the process:

• Second SA and urine analysis on May 1st. Prepared for a zero but hopefully for some bannermen.
• Hormone blood test next week
• Urologist appointment May 20th. This will be a big day as we'll get the results of the hormone and genetics tests, and get a sense of our plans moving forward.

If It's Not .Org, Don't Do It

   So our visit to the fertility clinic today started off great. Shannon and I took separate cars from work. Great minds think alike as we both stopped at the highway McD's to get a diet coke at the same time! We parked together and walked in together. We can get through this together!
   I was really nervous that the staff knew about my SA results and would look at us, or even worse, Shannon only, with pity. Luckily they just had us sit down.
   The visit got bad for a bit after that. A couple who had reached 36 weeks with our doctor's help had brought flowers for the doc to thank her, and in an empty waiting room other than us we had to hear the joy they all shared over the pregnancy. Keeping it together was difficult. I am sure we would feel the same joy, but seriously in the waiting room of the infertility clinic? I don't want to hear about the names or the beauty of the ultrasound images in that setting people! Shannon was less than pleased.
   When we got called in to see the doctor we went through Shannon's results first. Shannon is as fertile as they come. Good news number one of the day!
   My results were as we knew: Zero tadpoles. The one area we held out hope for was that they hadn't centrifuged the SA and there might be a few. They had. Still none.
   Next we talked about all the blood tests and genetic tests I'd get done. They are going to test the following hormones: testosterone, FSH, SHBG. If those are out of whack they can either be corrected, or it means there could be testicular failure. As for genetics they are going to test for karyotype and y gene deletion. I also have another SA scheduled where they will do a post urine analysis as the boys might be headed to a party in the bladder instead of heading home after last call. I am so happy we are doing all these tests together, and now. We have been reading about horror stories of months of waiting for each test and doctors telling the couple there was no chance each time. Our team rules.
   Next we asked the question we had been dreading: what are our chances of finding some soldiers in the barracks? Now I don't know if this was just to keep us sane, but to hear that our urologist finds them "most of the time" was amazing. It is very rare, and usually due to genetics that would have been tested already, that she doesn't find any.
   I think the weight of it all hit us right then. We shed some tears and we let the doctor know about all the horrible forum and blogs we'd been reading. The worst was the one where the husband didn't have any after extraction, they decided to adopt, and then he vanished from the blog only to come back 6 months later divorced and post suicide attempt. We laughed about it through the tears and got our first great quote of the experience: "If it is not a .org, don't do it". Agreed doc.
   A final piece of good news from today. Unlike a bunch of the forums and blogs we read, they do not, under any circumstance, start IVF until we have found tiny tots or not. Lots of stories about required sperm donor backup had us spooked that we would need to make that decision before we knew what we could find. We are both ecstatic about that.
   I also was reassured that unless I like to drink pesticide, while in a hot tub, on a daily basis, this wasn't anything I did to cause it. I am cleared for a beer tonight.
   The final step for the day was an ultrasound of Shannon's ovaries and more blood drawn for me. We need to start getting used to needles and poking.


All in all a very good day under the circumstances.

Positives

Today is going to be a positive day I have decided. 48 hours is enough time of being upset. To help I am coming up with a list of positives:

• We have the best health insurance possible. We can pick any doctor we want, and all fertility procedures are covered.
• We live in the shadow of the best medical community in the world. Our fertility specialist and our urologist are teaching fellows at Harvard Medical School, and are national and international leaders in both female and male infertility.
• Shannon and I have been through so many stressful and rough times together and separately. Everything happens for a reason. If we couldn't handle this, it wouldn't be happening to us.
• We have a network of friends and coworkers who have or are going through similar issues. We have people to talk to whenever we want. 
• Our Min Pin Brady isn't even human and is our baby. Whatever the end result, when we become parents, we will not feel any differently about how we got there.
• We are both healthy and happy, besides this rare condition.

We have our second appointment with the fertility specialist today. We are going to focus on the positives and all the options we have to get to where we want to go.

The Bad News Is We Found No Sperm

  "Here is to being pregnant on the plane ride home!", I triumphantly said as I ended my toast in front of Shannon's family three years ago. We were leaving to live in Australia for two years in May, and we had decided that we would wait till we returned to get pregnant. We decided we would start trying a month or two before we were headed home. We didn't know yet it wasn't about choice. Thinking about that moment tonight I want to punch myself for being so cocksure. Pun intended.

  We followed the pregnancy plan, with a few issues of course, as this is Shannon and me we are talking about. The first few months we tried on the wrong days. Shannon got very sick several months over the winter. We introduced the stress of new jobs / positions and house hunting. The sticks kept coming up negative.

  We decided in the New Year (2013) to focus on Shannon's health and to reduce stress. We introduced acupuncture, hypnosis, vitamins, yoga, different diets. Shannon read book after book. The sticks kept coming up negative, and the monthly bill would arrive, and we'd both be more and more upset.

  When the March cycle didn't work we had both had it. I have an amazing co-worker who I knew had struggled with their first pregnancy and I let them know about our struggles. The co-worker helped to lead us to the Reproductive Center at Newton-Wellesley. We were nervous for our first appointment but we were treated very well, and we were confident. When the blood work came back normal we shrugged. When the HSG was clean we were excited, but we expected it. We had crossed the first hurdle and seemed on the way to unexplained infertility, and the world of IUI and eventually IVF.

  One last thing to do however: The Semen Analysis. I went in with no concerns Monday, gave my sample, and left. It never crossed my mind I would get a phone call three hours later, at work, from the reproductive doctor. She started with some small talk about adjusting my phone numbers in the directory as they had my pre-Australian mobile number on file. I assumed that since she was talking about something so small that everything was fine. The next sentence I'll never forget: "So we got your sample and the good news is the volume was great, the bad news is we found no sperm." None. Zero. I asked a few questions and tried to write down the information she was giving me. I asked what our options were, what we could do, and she went through a number of possibilities. It wasn't until she said "If that doesn't work then our final option is donor sperm" that I started to freak out. I got off the phone quickly to call Shannon and tell her, and we both left work to meet at home.

  That was about 36 hours ago. In that time we've cried, researched, begged, broken down, asked why, spoken with friends and relatives. 

  We're feeling confident right now because, what other option do we have?