I
know that this is only the beginning. There will be many more tense days of
waiting ahead. There will be so many
moments of optimism, gratitude, and excitement.
I know that all of that is part of the ride, along with the panic,
second guessing and primal fear (isn't that what every parent will tell you). I know that I have the best, strongest
partner I could ever ask for and I am consciously grateful for him every single
day. But today I am totally and utterly
depleted and exhausted and the starting buzzer is still echoing in the
background. The fact is, that for me
especially, this is way past the beginning.
Ever
since we “decided” that we were going to get pregnant before we moved back from
Australia I have been preparing, learning, and attempting to control the
uncontrollable. A year or so ago while working
at Random House in Sydney a book landed on my desk about a woman who was my age
and found out she had endometriosis and had trouble getting pregnant. One of her symptoms was painful period
cramps. I HAVE PAINFUL PERIOD CRAMPS and
since second only to my obsession with fountain diet coke is my obsession with
self diagnosis I promptly made an appointment with my new OBGYN.
I asked her in my most “I know what I am
saying is crazy but I don’t really LOOK crazy so can you just go along and
pretend that I’m not a hypochondriac and order the tests” voice (not using
those words exactly). I told her that I just wanted to “rule
out” any potential fertility
issues. So she ordered an ultrasound and
the results came back glowing! This
paired with my 28-29 day cycles that are as regular as a bar brawl on Mob Wives put my
mind at ease for the most part. The
fact that my mom got pregnant while on birth control (she deserves a gold star
for that one) made me feel even MORE confident.
This is a given, I am totally fertile, but just to be EXTRA sure (and
reinforce my neurosis) I started using ovulation predictor kits a few months
before we would official “begin”. The
testing was a little confusing since I bought the cheapest pee sticks money
could buy but I was pretty confident I was getting the positive lines when I
should be.
I
just want to take a moment to let it sink in that all of this was done BEFORE
we even started actively trying. This is
me – I do not claim to be ordinary, which is why when things weren't working
month after month I was POSITIVE I was screwing this whole thing up. I read all of these books about fertility and
they ALL say that STRESS is the number one thing that you need to get a handle on in order
to get pregnant. CLEARLY I was too
stressed out (We had just moved back from basically another planet, started new
jobs, began house hunting, the list goes on) so I decided I needed to tackle my
stress and embrace different mind/body relaxation techniques. I did massage (decadent), acupuncture (love
it), hypnosis (bizarre), Maya abdominal massage (jury is out), yoga (the best
part is laying down at the end with your eyes closed). I paired this with some more traditional
techniques like talk therapy, going to the gym, drinking wine and venting to
friends and family. I was as de-stressed as I am capable of being.
But
the sticks kept coming back negative!! So all at once I totally revolted on this whole
“stress" impairing fertility issue. I mean seriously!!
Jaycee Dugard got pregnant in the most horrifyingly stressful situation I can
even imagine, being kidnapped, raped and held captive for 18 years. People got
pregnant during the holocaust, during wars, natural disasters!! No amount of my
comfy American life can even TOUCH what some people have gone through and
somehow they have been able to conceive.
I just wasn't buying this stress BS anymore, this had to be medical, but
again, despite all logic pointing to the contrary I was SURE it was me.
So
last Monday happened and I don’t know which one of us was more unprepared. Prior to that phone call I had been
processing the fact that I probably have some strange issue where maybe my eggs
are all rotten, or I’m allergic to Sean’s sperm. I even stopped taking allergy medications
because I read that it could make my cervical mucus unfriendly to sperm. So when we got the news that there were ZERO
sperm I just didn't know how to switch gears.
Sean is the healthiest person that I know, it defies logic, but this isn't about logic, it’s about science.
And every one of our bodies is just a big miraculous jumble of parts that either do
or don’t do their jobs (unbeknownst to us) until we go pinching and prodding
and asking questions that we aren't really prepared for the answers to.
To
keep it all in perspective I KNOW that if this is the only medical problem that
we have we are beyond blessed, we have already hit the jackpot. We are focusing on the positive and soaring
with gratitude from the outpouring of love and support we have received from
our family and friends. We know all of this
but we still have fears that creep in late at night or while driving into
work. We face them together, talk
through them and then just keep on keeping on, usually ending our conversations
with a few laughs. I really am
incredibly optimistic and I know that in the end we will have our baby, even if
we have to kidnap one from some undeserving cast member from Teen Mom (Season 1
or 2). No matter what, this is just a
blip, but sometimes a blip will really knock you out for a little while.
(Note to Readers: Sean did advise me NOT TO USE CAPS but I did anyway)
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