As I drove through the streets of Waltham I ran through everything that has happened, the process, the people who have reached out and shared their stories and the strength we have gathered from the fertility issue community. This community of people that have been so brave regardless of their sharing level.
Some people have struggled to understand why we are sharing our experience, or have reacted oddly to it. One friend said that it was difficult to discuss because it was so personal of a situation. It is between you and your wife, they said. Well frankly so is cancer, or a genetic issue or a developmental issue with a child. So would being gay. If it was something people felt was difficult to discuss or overly personal that makes it feel taboo in my mind, and if it is taboo, then it feels wrong. This is not something to be ashamed of or to feel the need to not share, or to not be asked about. Now again, each person or couple going through this is entitled to whatever decision about sharing they want to make. This is about respecting everyone's process.
A few people have said I was brave in writing this blog, in sharing in this way. The odd thing, I couldn't do this any other way. I need to be open about this, I need to talk about this, I need to write about this. If I don't, if I was forced to hold this all in, I would have some serious freudian situations popping up somewhere right now.
To continue with the openness, we found out Friday that the SA and urine sample came back zero again. With this second zero test, I officially have azoospermia. Azoospermia is the medical term for no swimmers in the batter. There are a number of causes for my condition, and approaches to resolve:
- Pre-Testicular - This is when the cause is hormone related, where there is a low level of FSH or testosterone, and it can be resolved with hormone therapy. That would be great!
- Testicular - In this situation the FSH levels are high because the feedback loop is not working. Your body knows you aren't making swimmers and is pumping out FSH to get them going. In these circumstances they can sometimes find a few, but it usually means that through genetics or organ failure there won't be enough to extract
- Post-Testicular - In these situations the hormone levels are normal, the genetics clean. This is usually caused by a blockage or a missing connection. This is the best possible situation as it is most likely that there are fellas in there, they just need some help getting out.
With the hormones level normal, we are in the post-testicular zone and have been dancing around with hope. Most likely I have no vas deferens and I am a cistic fybrosis carrier, or I got in some accident as a kid and screwed up the area and just am finding out now. On the CF front, Shannon isn't a carrier so we are ok from that perspective. Knock on wood, we will end up doing IVF and ICSI when they find some bannermen in vesicals or in a testicular biopsy. For those not familiar with these procedures here is a brief intro:
- IVF, or in vitro fertilisation is a where eggs and sperm are harvested and the egg is fertilized outside the body and then inserted as a zygote. To make this work the woman needs to be pumped full of hormones to produce eggs, they are extracted, and then she needs to get pumped full again to get the body into pregnant mode for the zygote to take and everything to proceed as normal.
- ICSI, or intracytoplasmic sperm injection, is where a single sperm cell is injected into the egg. This procedure was first successful in 1992.
We are going to engineer a baby. So cool.
As I walked around the garden center looking at plants I marveled at how lucky we are, how everything has lined up for us. We are blessed in so many ways. We have so many people to talk to. We have some much love being brought to us. We have examples of life throwing unreal horror at people, who react with courage. The survivors and first responders in Boston are helping us understand the most powerful way to react to challenges in life: to adapt, to grieve, to stay on.
However, this isn't easy. There are dark days, hours, moments. I've been thinking a lot about a line from The Old Testament at those moments. I'm keeping it very old school lately. I first heard the line from Obama's speech at the interfaith vigil after the marathon bombing. If you haven't watched it please do.
Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us.
That is my goal in this journey. To not let this situation stop a single moment of happiness in our lives, and to push on. I'm hoping to reject self doubt and pity, and share this with the crowd of witnesses around us, and run with endurance.
Another moment from Obama's speech has me thinking about the wonderful team we have around us and the fertility challenge community that is supporting us.
Scripture teaches us God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline. Even when our heart aches, we summon the strength that maybe we didn't even know we had, and we carry on; we finish the race. We finish the race, and we do that because of who we are, and we do that because we know that somewhere around the bend, a stranger has a cup of water. Around the bend, somebody's there to boost our spirits. On that toughest mile, just when we think that we've hit a wall, someone will be there to cheer us on and pick us up if we fall. We know that.
I know that. Shannon knows that. Our family knows that, and for that, we thank all of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment