All This? This Is Not Your Fault.

  You've seen the moment in countless movies, particularly of the lifetime channel variety. A previously abused, discriminated, or otherwise oppressed individual is confronted with the reality that the pain they've faced / are facing is not their fault. Their reactions of self doubt and hate are misplaced. This is usually a very emotional scene in which two previously distant characters reach their breakthrough moment. See Good Will Hunting:

  Until today I hadn't really had this moment in this experience. 

  I thought I had. 

  I had created a reasonably strong illusion that I had removed self doubt and blame from my mind. I had become accepting of our path, and was ready for our process. Self doubt though, had remained, hidden.

  My moment came today. 

  Our family's have been amazing during our journey, but we haven't had time with them in person. This weekend we were fortunate to be able to see Shannon's full family as we welcomed back a cousin who had been studying abroad. En-route Shannon and I discussed how excited we were to see everyone. We shared anxiety about our reactions. I stayed positive and logical: 

People respond to your signals, so if you smile, they'll smile. Provide positive data and they will react positively.

  I must not have a computer brain, because when I saw the compassion, love, and heartache for us in everyone's eyes, I wasn't prepared for it. It rocked me. When we openly talked about the situation, our plans, as if we were discussing a new job, I was overwhelmed.

  A thought popped into my head then I didn't know needed reassuring: 

They are not upset with you. They don't blame you. This. Isn't. Your. Fault.

  Emotional overload was reached and I made a quick exit from the room and went outside for some air. Thankfully the men were in the kitchen when I returned, watching the Red Sox game on the smallest TV, at the smallest table, in the house. This is our usual location. We should just build caves in each house. While the rest of the house, including the best lit rooms and most comfortable seats, are filled with the laughter and escalating voices of our better halves, we huddle away.

  The Sox were down 4-1 and not looking good. A few well placed jabs at Saltalamacchia reset my emotional engine temp, and we continued with the day: BBQ, dessert, stories. As we finished up our desserts someone shouted out from the kitchen: 

It's 6-5 with 2 outs and one on!

We all ran into the kitchen. We sat crowded around the table, calling balls and strikes. The Red Sox loaded the bases. The next batter faced a new pitcher, and with a kitchen full of my dear and wonderful family, Jacoby Ellsbury hit the first pitch he saw for a game winning double. My family shouted out together with joy. 

Beat that Matt and Ben.